


There's Nothing Wrong With You, Lee Taemin!

by OnDubu



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, only slight ontae, tw: anorexia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1706276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnDubu/pseuds/OnDubu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee Taemin has a problem, and his leader desperately wants to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The taste of the bitter bile burned at his throat, and Lee Taemin wanted to wash his mouth out. But he didn't have the energy.  
He breathed heavily instead, trying to pretend that if he just kept this up he'd be satisfied and he'd go back to being normal.  
He wasn't stupid, he knew that this would become normal now.   
He was an SM trainee about to debut; he couldn't tolerate any fat on his body, no matter how small it seemed.   
Again, he wasn't stupid, he knew that he wasn't fat. When he looked into the mirror he didn't see an obesity crisis- a heart attack waiting to happen- staring back at him. He just wasn't thin.   
The tears were burning his eyes now, and Lee Taemin wanted to cry, he wanted to sob his heart out. But he didn't have the energy.   
Plus, now that he was in a dorm with the other SHINee members, there was always the chance that they would hear him. And he was sure he was a disappointment enough without keeping them up all night with his pathetic crying.  
Onew, Jonghyun, Minho and Key.  
They were all perfect for this band. The first time Taemin saw them, his eyes nearly boggled out of his head. They were all so charismatic and good looking. When he heard them speak, he wanted to cry. They all had such lovely voices, they would be good at singing for sure.  
Taemin was tone-deaf and had never had a vocal lesson in his life.  
He'd been living with them for three days now, and every time he spoke with them he felt worse. They had so many talents.   
He'd heard Key speaking on the phone the day before in perfect English. He couldn't speak English to save his life.   
He heard Onew singing in the shower. He had the voice of an angel, it was soft and sweet, but powerful at the same time. Jonghyun had banged on the wall and told Onew where to shove his singing, some of them were trying to sleep in, but Taemin never wanted him to stop.  
Jonghyun was lounging around shirtless on the second morning. Seeing his perfect body made Taemin feel one hundred times worse about his own.  
Taemin had known who Minho was before he was told they'd be in a group together, his modelling was popular, and Taemin had always admired Minho's big eyes and small face.  
He hated the other members for being so perfect, and at the same time they were perfect and he couldn't hate them.  
They were like his big brothers.  
Eventually, while thinking of them, Taemin drifted asleep on the bathroom floor.


	2. Chapter 2

Two months until their debut.  
That was Taemins first thought when he awoke on the tiled bathroom floor.  
He stood up and the taste in his mouth would the worst thing he could imagine. He stood up and leaned over the sink to wash out his mouth. The faint smell of bile was in the bathroom, so he sprayed air freshener and opened the small window.  
He splashed water on his face and walked out into the kitchen.  
Jonghyun, as usual, was the first one up. Thankfully in a shirt this morning, he was wearing sweatpants and sat at the kitchen island scrolling on his laptop.  
“Morning.” His voice was gruff and thick with sleep. He cleared his throat.  
“Morning hyung.”  
He opened the fridge and pulled out the jug of water. Slowly pouring his glass he felt Jonghyuns eyes on his back.  
“You weren't in bed last night.” It was a statement, not a question. And Taemin's mind struggled to think of a viable excuse.  
“I couldn't sleep, I got up and had some tea in the middle of the night.” He didn't turn around while saying it, but he could feel that Jonghyun accepted it.  
“Ok, excited for the debut, huh?”  
He nodded.  
Silence reigned until Key and Minho got up. From there, it was a struggle of trying to get their leader up out of bed to the SM dance practice room.

Taemin was relieved to have dancing first.  
He enjoyed dancing, he felt like it was the only thing he was as good as the other members at. It was also a great stress reliever, he could feel himself relaxing as they went through the familiar routine of their debut track, Replay.  
This was the one area where he didn't feel the need to apologise for himself almost constantly, and it made him feel happy and guilty when the other members messed it up.  
He knew it was wrong to feel happy, but the guilt was twice as strong. He felt like in this room there was no question of why he was in SHINee. This was why; he was a dancer. And it was obvious to everyone in the room.  
But his stomach fell through his feet with a few simple words from Onew.  
“I'm sure we're all hungry, let's go have lunch, and then we'll go onto singing.”  
Lunch and singing.  
He felt cold.

Lunch was, predictably a torture event.  
Shabu shabu was the choice the other members had made. Which was okay with Taemin, he supposed they could've done worse.  
When the food was brought out Taemin stared at it. A steaming broth, thinly sliced raw beef, rice, noodles, and a bowl of green vegetables. The other members all used their chopsticks to dip their meat in to cook it and Taemin hesitatingly picked up a small slice of beef.  
“Is it ok if I add the noodles now?” Key picked up the bowl of thick rice noodles.  
The other members nodded, and he slid the noodles into the slowly thickening soup.  
Taemin picked out his now cooked meat and quickly stuck it into his mouth before he had the chance to think better.  
It really was delicious, the strong flavours attacked his mouth.  
The meat was soft, and fell apart as he chewed it.  
Onew pushed the now thick broth towards him and Taemin noticed that the noodles were done, the other members had finished the meat and were all now finished serving the noodles.  
He heaped the remaining noodles into his bowl and put the broth back on the hot plate to continue boiling away.  
He ate slowly, so it wasn't suspicious at all when he said “Hyung, I'm full. Did you want the restof my noodles?” to Minho who was seated beside him.  
Minho had quickly earned himself a reputation within SHINee for eating constantly and never gaining weight, which Taemin would always be jealous of.  
“Sure.” And he took Taemins bowl.  
Taemin waited quietly for the others to be finished, the rice had been added and they were spooning the now almost finished meal into their bowls.  
“Want some, Taemin?” Onew offered him some.  
He shook his head.  
“If you're sure.” Onew ate the last few mouthfuls, though he looked uncertain the whole time doing it.

As they were walking back into to SM, Onew grabbed Taemins forearm. His hand reached all the way around.  
“The others are going to be recording, but our manager tells me you've never had a singing lesson?”  
Taemin nodded, hyperaware of Onew's perfect voice as he spoke.  
He smiled warmly.  
“Come on, there's some sound-proof rooms down the hall, I'll help you out.”  
Taemin was so thankful for Onew's kindness in that moment. If it were Jonghyun, whose voice, he'd learned, was equally as wonderful as Onews, he would've teased him. And he knew that Jonghyun would only be joking around, and didn't mean anything by it, but it still would've upset him.  
Onew let go of Taemins arm and Taemin breathed a sigh of relief.  
“In here.” he opened the door and ushered Taemin through.  
Taemin sat down and fidgeted with his fingers.  
“Hyung.” His voice was trembling. The idea of singing in front of someone so talented as Onew made him so nervous.  
“Yeah?”  
Onew was playing a few notes on the piano, oblivious to the anxiety Taemin was going through.  
“I'm tone deaf. This is probably a waste of your time-”  
“I know.” Onew interrupted him. “Manager-hyung told me that you're not good at singing. It's okay, you don't have to be so anxious.” He noticed Taemins shaking hands.  
Taemin nodded, feeling slightly better, but his hands still trembled.  
“Follow me.” Onew played a series of notes on the piano, singing along with each of them with that angelic voice of his.  
He did this twice and then stopped.  
“Your turn, and don't be nervous.”  
Easier said than done. Taemin thought, but complied singing along.  
He watched Onew's face carefully as he was doing it, waiting for the disappointment and disgust. But it didn't come, Onew's face stayed the same.  
“A little louder?” And he kept playing through the notes.  
After two more times, Onew stopped.  
“You're not singing from your chest.”  
Taemin looked at him waiting for some sort of explanation.  
“You're singing from your head, not you chest. This is my head voice.” He sung a few notes that sounded uncharacteristically bad. “And my chest voice.” He sung normally.  
“How do I sing with my chest voice then?”  
“It's in the breathing,” Onew placed a hand on Taemin's stomach “breathe.”  
Taemin felt like he was going to be sick. Onew was touching his stomach. He could feel that Taemins stomach wasn't flat. He breathed though, if for nothing else than to get the hand off his stomach.  
“See, my hand's not moving. Well, not much. It's pretty easy to fix, breathe deeper, make my hand move.”  
He tried, he breathed deeper. He breathed so deep his lungs hurt. And after a few breaths his hand started moving.  
“Place one hand on your chest, and put the other where mine was. Keep breathing like that.”  
Again, he did as instructed.  
“See how the hand on your chest isn't moving? You should breathe like that always. Practice, even when we're not here. Try and get so that you don't even have to think about it. It comes naturally after a while.”  
Taemin nodded, and put his hands back down by his sides.  
“Keep breathing like that and try the scale again.”  
It sounded a little better that time, and Onew smiled.  
That was when Taemin decided that singing lessons with Onew were his favorite part of being in SHINee.

All too soon though, it ended.  
Onew checked his watch.  
“We should go and get the others. Oh, and Taemin. I need you to do a few things.”  
Taemin felt like he'd do whatever Onew asked.  
“I need you to stop drinking cold water, always have your water at room temperature. And avoid milk. They're bad for your vocal chords.”  
“Ok, hyung.”  
When they met up with Jonghyun, Key and Minho, the other three were laughing happily.  
“I propose kimbap for tea. I'm still stuffed from lunch.” Minho told them.  
“You stole all of Taeminnie's food, of course you're full.” Key pointed out, but didn't argue.  
Taemin smiled, just being around the others made him happy. They were all so beautiful, talented, and nice, they never even argued. As happy as it made him, it did make him aware of his own inadequacies.  
The thought brought a frown to his face.  
When he was seated with a seafood kimbap roll in front of him, he wanted nothing less than to eat this kimbap.  
He picked at a piece of kimchi.  
He ate half the roll of kimbap.  
And he was done.  
He placed his chopsticks down, but he could feel eyes on him.  
Onew-hyung had the kindest eyes Taemin had ever seen. They were mono-lidded, but still very beautiful, the colour was deep and shone gold in the light. But at that moment, he'd never felt so uncomfortable under a gaze.  
“You hardly ate at lunch.” Onew told him softly from across the table.  
“My throat hurts from singing.”  
It was a lame excuse, and Taemin knew it.  
“It shouldn't hurt, were you straining your voice?” Onew had apparently bought it.  
“No, I just don't sing that often.”  
Onew smiled.  
“Get used to it.”  
Taemin nodded, and put another piece of kimchi in his mouth to avoid any further conversation. He struggled through nearly all of the roll before he stood up.  
“I'm just going to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute.”  
He bowed slightly out of habit.

As he hugged the toilet bowl in the restaurant, he cried silently.


	3. Chapter 3

“We're going to be singing all day today, guys.” Onew told them when they were finally all up and having breakfast. “But we finish early, at three.”  
It was 8:30, far too early for any sort of enthusiasm.  
“Have you already eaten, Taemin?” Onew was watching him with that suspicious look again.  
Taemin nodded, “I was up early today.”  
As if that explained everything.  
Onew dropped the subject.  
“When does the shooting for the video actually start?” Key, thankfully changed the subject.  
“They're cutting it close, I think in about 5 weeks.”  
The other members began talking about the video, and Taemin bit his tongue and went to get dressed.

As Taemin was pulling on a thin pullover, a knock sounded on the door.  
“Just a moment.” He ran a hand through his dark hair. “Come in.”  
Onew came in.  
“Are you okay, Taemin?”  
“Hyung?”  
Taemin tossed his dirty clothes into the basket by the door and grabbed his phone and iPod.  
“I know we've only known eachother a few weeks, and we've only lived together for a few days, but I've never seen you eat a full meal. And even just in the time I've known you, your face has thinned a lot.”  
“Has it?” Taemin turned to the mirror. He couldn't see any difference.  
Onew sighed.  
“You don't need to lose weight, Taemin. You're easily the thinnest out of us.”  
“I'm not trying to lose weight, hyung. And I do eat, I'm just careful about what I eat, because I don't have a fast metabolism like the rest of you.” He smiled.  
“You could've fooled me.” Onews expression hardened. “That roll of kimbap is the most I've ever seen you eat, and you didn't even finish it. Then you left for the bathroom.”  
Taemins stomach began to churn and he began to tremble again.  
“You were an awful long time in the bathroom. What were you doing in there, Taemin??” His hyung's voice had a subtle steely edge he hadn't heard before.  
He struggled to breathe without hyperventilating.  
“You don't need to lose weight, you're tiny as it is. You must be half my weight, if anything I need to lose weight.” Onew smiled a little.  
Taemin swallowed.  
“I'm sorry.” was all he could say.  
Onew looked like he was going to say something, but Jonghyun called out that they should go quickly.

The air between Taemin and his leader was palpable when they sat in the small sound-proof room again.  
“Sing me the first verse of Replay, please, Taemin.”  
Onew began to play the music of replay slowly on the piano. It was obvious he wasn't a pianist, but he seemed to know what he was doing.  
“Noona, neomu yeppeo-seo, namjadeuli gaman an dweo, heunduellineun geun-”  
Onew stopped playing and Taemin stopped singing. His singing wasn't good by any standards, but he sounded a fair bit better, and wondered why someone hadn't pointed out that his breathing wasn't right before. It was such an easy way to improve quickly. And he'd found that breathing this way even helped his dancing. He got out of breath less quickly now.  
“Better.” Onew complimented. “Try this.” He went through the scale that they'd practiced before.  
Taemin started singing immediately, but Onew just kept going higher.  
When Taemin's throat began to hurt, Onew stopped.   
“You're singing from your throat again, remember your breathing.”  
And they started again.

Lunch went much the same was as it did the day before, but he caught Onew watching him more than once.  
He swallowed the food, not tasting it once.  
It might've been cardboard for all he knew.

The afternoon passed quietly. Onew was recording, so Taemin was helping Minho and Jonghyun with their dancing.  
Well, they'd started out that way.  
Eventually, they got tired and wound up just sitting along the wall of the practice room drinking water and talking.  
“Honestly, how long can Onew take to record, he only has to do the chorus and a few lines. He doesn't sing all that much in the song.” Jonghyun complained suddenly.  
“I think he said he was going to record all of his parts today.” Minho told him, “That way he can help Taemin more.”  
“What's he helping you with, anyway?”  
Taemin felt intimidated suddenly. Being around these two was overwhelming. He just couldn't understand why they'd want to be around him anyway. When they'd asked him for help with dancing, he understood. He was the best in SHINee at dancing.  
When they'd both collapsed in sweaty tired messes on the floor, he'd picked up his jacket and water bottle and went to leave, but they asked him to stay.  
They were both so outgoing and talented, and he was so.. not.  
“My singing.”  
“Why's that? Your voice sounds nice enough when you speak.” Jonghyun asked.  
“I'm tone deaf. I'm awful at singing, I don't know how Onew puts up with it. I guess a day and a half was too much for him.”  
As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it.  
He'd put them both on the spot now, now they'd have to compliment him, or say something nice. They must've been so uncomfortable.  
“Onew was talking to me about it yesterday actually. He said that your biggest problem with singing was that you don't seem to think you can do it.” Minho closed his eyes as he was talking, and leaned his head against the wall. “It shows when you're singing, you know.”  
“What shows?” Taemin was lost, he had almost no clue what Minho was talking about.  
“Your confidence!” Jonghyun burst back into the conversation. “If you're not confident when you sing, it's obvious. Honestly, you think I have talent? It's vocal lessons and confidence, acquired skill, not talent. They're completely different.”  
Taemin was silent for a minute while he thought about this.  
“Almost no SM trainees have talent.” Minho mused. “It's all skill, all you need to become a trainee is good looks and height. Or insoles.” He grinned at Jonghyun, who reached across Taemin and punched Minho in the shoulder.  
“Prick. You think height's everything? You're not even that tall! You're only 181 centimeters!”  
“Okay, Mr 1-7-3.”  
They began bickering again, as those two were prone to do and Taemin smiled a little.

Dinner was hweh, which Taemin was glad of. Raw fish and gochujang sauce, healthy as anything. They each chose one dish and shared the lot.  
The blanched squid tasted wonderful, but Taemin had only a few mouthfuls.  
More discussion about the upcoming debut filled most of the time. Apparently, Onew had finished his recording for Replay and two other songs that day, Key was finished Replay, Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun had just practiced.  
Onew broke the cheery table conversation, with a simple question.  
“Are you done Taemin?”  
Taemin stiffened immediately, but nodded.  
Onew raised an eyebrow.  
“But you've hardly touched the food.”  
The others had stopped talking.  
“I'm not very hungry, I drank a lot of water in the practice room and I feel kind of bloated.”  
“Just a bit more.” Onew slid a dish of eel across the table.  
Taemin couldn't think of anything he'd like to do less than touch that eel. But with everyone's eyes on him, he couldn't say no. So he picked up his chopsticks and brought a sliver of eel to his mouth.  
“No gochujang?”  
Taemin didn't respond, he was too busy chewing up the eel and trying to make it look like he didn't want to vomit. He made a show of swallowing, even though the eel was under his tongue.  
The other members watched on in confused silence.  
Just to spite Onew, Taemin took another piece of eel. Pretending to swallow again, he triggered the false call function on his phone.  
“Excuse me.” He spoke as clearly as he could with two pieces of eel in his mouth, and glared at Onew as he stood up.  
“Yeoboseyo.”  
And he walked out of the restaurant. He ducked into a dark alley just a few buildings down and spat everything in his mouth out into a bin.  
He felt sick.  
As soon as he could compose himself, he walked back inside, and tucked his phone into his pocket.  
“Sorry, umma's worried about her 'little boy',” he laughed a little, “guess I'll always be the youngest.”  
Jonghyun nodded sympathetically.  
“Mine's the same, as if being the youngest's not enough, since she works in child care she talks to me like I'm four! It's always 'Did you remember to eat, Jjongie darling?', 'They're not working you too hard are they? Did you sleep well?'. I know the feeling Taemin.”  
“That's nothing! Not only am I the only child, I grew up with my grandparents! Do you know what that's like?? DO YOU!” Key demanded.  
This started the others on a spiel of ranting about their families.  
Onew sat glaring at nothing in particular as Taemin's beautiful eye-smile lit up the whole room.

At one am when the SHINee members got back to their dorm, they all began brushing their teeth and changing out of their day clothes. Onew tapped Taemin on the shoulder as he was coming out of the bathroom.  
“I wanted to apologize for today, Taemin.” Taemin could hear the sincerity in his hyung's perfect angel voice.   
“Um, you don't have to apologize. It's fine.”  
He did.  
And it wasn't.  
“Would you come and talk to me for a moment?”  
Taemin could think of a thousand things he'd rather do, but he felt like a marionette on strings. It seemed to be becoming common lately.  
“Sure.”  
“Outside, I think this is something that should be kept private.”  
Taemin nodded, he felt dizzy, this wasn't over and they both knew it.  
Outside, the air was biting, and Taemin pulled his hooded coat tighter around his small frame and shivered slightly.  
“I need you to know this Taemin, I really am sorry for the way I went about today. It was stupid and immature of me.” He took a moment, and Taemin didn't interrupt. “What I'm not sorry for is calling you out on it. I don't know what you're feeling and I'm not gonna stand here in the freezing cold and pretend that I do.” His breath was coming in visible white clouds now. “You're not fat. You're the thinnest out of us, you're one of the thinnest people I know. Hell, the thinnest. Even if this is some bizarre diet and not what I think, it's unnecessary. I appreciate that you might just be watching your weight, but you're worrying me, really.”  
He seemed to be done, and Taemin wasn't sure what he was expected to say.  
“I'm.. sorry for making you worry. And it's nice of you to say those things, but-”  
“I'm not just saying them, though. What's your weight?”  
Taemin felt the familiar anxiety.  
“Forty six kilos.”  
Onews eyes widened.  
“That's so far underweight, Taemin! We're the same height, right?” He experimentally stood nest to Taemin. He was maybe a centimeter taller. “I'm fifty seven. Am I fat to you?”  
Taemin shook his head. Onew definitely wasn't fat. He wasn't wiry by any means, and he didn't have that tall-thin look that was so popular in kpop, but anyone could tell that it was just toned muscle.  
“That's different, it's-”  
“How so?”  
Taemin struggled to put his feelings into words.  
“Yours is muscle, and mine's fat.”  
“You're not fat, you're underweight.”  
Taemin wasn't sure that he could make it any clearer to his hyung. For once he was trying to tell someone how he felt and he felt like he was failing at that too.  
“I know I'm underweight, but that's not the same as being skinny!”  
“You're so thin, though!”  
“It's not the same!”  
They were yelling now, and Taemin felt guilt for yelling at someone who was truly trying to help him.  
“I mean, it's just that skinny is pretty, and thin is sort of... ragged and ugly. The words just mean different types of small.”  
“Taemin either way, you're not fat, you're skinny, and tiny. You don't need to change that about yourself.”  
“You're just saying that because you're the leader! It's your job to say that! You get paid to say that! You're saying that because I can dance and that's it, that's what you don't want to lose! You're just scared that I'll leave, because skinny or not I can dance.” That's all I can do, he added mentally. He was close to sobbing now and he was yelling again. He imagined that the other members could hear him, but he didn't care, it felt good to finally shout at someone what he'd been feeling for months.  
“Taemin, that's not true, none of that is true. You can dance, and we all love that about you, but you're not just a dancer. Because, even if our debut gets canceled tomorrow, I'll still be your friend and so will all the other members, we all care about you a lot.” Onew felt like crying himself.  
When they'd first met, Taemin had been a quiet incredibly skinny and good looking kid who was a great dancer.  
The other members of SHINee were open, they laughed all the time, they joked, the members knew almost everything about everyone in SHINee. Everyone but Taemin.  
He'd overheard the others talking about it multiple times, he'd even heard their manager and dance instructors talking about how reserved he was. He knew a lot of people were worried about his constant weight loss.  
Seconds turned into minutes, and still Taemin didn't answer.  
Onew suddenly became aware of how cold it was outside.  
He placed a hand on Taemin's shoulder.  
“Come on, you'll catch pneumonia out here, let's go inside.”  
Contrary to Taemins suspicions, Onew wasn't just worried because of his responsibility as the leader, he was genuinely worried for the maknae. Although he and the other members knew next to nothing about him, Onew felt oddly concerned for him.  
When he pulled Taemin's covers around the boys shoulders, he knew that this was going to take some time, because Taemin's problem wasn't simple.


	4. Chapter 4

“You're sounding much better,” Onew smiled at the maknae. “Luckily, your parts are small and pretty simple, so you should be able to start recording anytime.”  
Onew's voice hit Taemin like a wave again.  
Onew had the reputation of being clumsy and funny without trying, so Taemin still had to remind himself sometimes that his hyung's voice was perfect. He spoke with the grace that he didn't have.  
“Thankyou, hyung.”  
“No problem, I'll help you if you need it, but I think you can just about help yourself now.” The smile never left his face, Onew's eyes crinkled into perfect half-moons. His expression of pride and happiness made Taemin mirror his smile.  
“Not just that, but I'm sorry. For the other week, when I yelled at you.”  
It had been exactly three weeks since he'd yelled at Onew on the street.  
The smile fell off Onew's face, and it was replaced with something more serious.  
“Taemin, I meant what I said. You're perfect the way you are.”  
“Not just sorry for yelling at you, but I think you're right. I think it might be a more serious problem.” He squirmed in his seat as he was saying it, it killed him to admit that he was wrong and that he needed help, but he knew if anyone would help him, Onew would.  
“Anorexia?”  
The word felt like a stab through Taemin's stomach.  
He nodded stiffly.  
“Taemin, do you want me to help you? Because I can't help you, if you won't talk to me and tell me the truth.”  
He nodded again.  
“Okay, Lee Taemin. Tell me, what have you eaten today?”  
“Half an apple, and two glasses of water.”  
“That's it?”  
They'd gone their own way for lunch today. It was now 6 in the evening. He'd seen Taemin slicing the apple. He'd peeled all the skin off and cut it into even slices. He remembered that Taemin had only eaten half of it.  
“Tonight, we're going out for samgyeopsal. I'm going to watch you and I want you to eat three pieces of meat, and something from each side dish. And I want you to keep it down, ok?”  
Taemin nodded again. He felt his neck and shoulders becoming stiff, so he relaxed them a bit.  
“Come on, let's get the others. I know you can do it, Taemin.”  
Taemin followed Onew out, looking down the whole way and wondering how much he'd regret this later on.

When the samgyeopsal came out, Onew took over the cooking immediately.  
“My parents used to run a meat shop.” He smiled brightly.  
He was always so happy.  
Key sat next to Minho across the table, and Jonghyun, Onew and Taemin sat together, in that order. The others picked at the kimchi that has been brought out with the other side dishes. The other side dishes included sliced raw garlic, lettuce and sliced chillis along with two sauces.  
Taemin gingerly followed the others and took a piece of kimchi. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Onew nodding approvingly at him.  
It's not that the kimchi was bad, it actually tasted really good, but it made Taemin's stomach churn.  
When the meat was finished, Taemin grabbed a piece of lettuce and decided to get this over with. That fatty meat made him feel sick to look at, but he forced himself to put a slice in the lettuce, add garlic and a piece of chilli, wrapped it up and took small bites.  
“Taemin-ah, eat it quickly.” Onew mumbled to him, so the others wouldn't hear.  
Taemin nodded and closed his eyes before shoving the half-eaten piece in his mouth. Even though it tasted great, he could taste the fat in it, and every fibre of his body screamed that this was wrong, and that he should spit it out. But he could feel Onew watching, so he forced himself to swallow.  
“More Taemin?” Minho offered one of the two last pieces of meat.  
“Taemin's only had one piece! You pigs!” Key took the piece Minho was holding out in his chopsticks and the remaining piece and wrapped them in lettuce for Taemin. He started to feed Taemin, but Taemin snatched the parcel out of his hand.  
“I can feed myself.”  
Ignoring his instincts, he ate the whole thing in one bite, chewing it slowly. He did the same with the second and looked at Onew, who smiled at him and placed a hand on his knee.  
“Come on, guys, it's getting dark, I'm tired.” Onew led them out of the restaurant.  
The others walked ahead a few steps, Onew and Taemin walked together.  
“I feel sick.”  
Onew didn't respond.  
“I'm sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“Causing you trouble like this. You didn't have to help me. You could've just pretended you didn't notice, or tell the manager.”  
Onew sighed heavily.  
“It's not a burden, Taemin. Just focus on getting better. Please.”  
“Okay.”

The next morning went much the same as dinner last night. During breakfast, Taemin would begin to refuse food, but he would remember his promise to Onew and eat. If only a small bit.  
What wasn't like last night is what followed.  
The churning feeling in his stomach was just too much and he stood up suddenly.  
“Just gonna go grab my phone.”  
And with that he ran as quickly as he could to the bathroom and threw up. He wanted to cry. The familiar feeling was too much to bear. He hated that he couldn't stop now, this was what felt natural to his body and he had only himself to blame.  
He felt even worse now that he was done, the taste was awful and his stomach and throat felt raw and scratched.  
He felt a hand on his shoulder and he knew exactly who it was. He really was crying now. He shoved Onew's hand off his shoulder, took a shuddering breath and wiped his face.  
“Taemin-ah, it's okay.”  
Taemin only shrugged. Even though he'd wiped his face he'd began crying again.  
“The others have already left. I told them we'd get a taxi after I helped you find your phone, we can stay if you like. You can have a sick day.”  
“We'll go, jut give me a minute.” His voice was trembling and raspy and he coughed in a failed attempt to clear his throat.  
“Ok, take as long as you'd like. Can I get you anything?”  
“No thanks.”  
It took him a minute to compose himself enough to rinse his mouth of the bitter and burning taste. After brushing his teeth, he took a jacket out of the wardrobe and met Onew in the living room.  
“Ready?” Onew offered a less-blinding-than-usual smile.  
Taemin only nodded.  
He felt terrible.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few weeks passed in much the same way.  
Onew encouraged Taemin to eat, Taemin did his best to do what Onew said. But he had trouble keeping it down.  
That too, lessened over time and he'd managed to keep enough down so that he put one almost three kilos. It was almost invisible, but his cheeks were more filled out now, and the bones in his fingers didn't look as if they were going to poke through his skin now. When he'd first noticed the weight he was putting on he was terrified.  
“I've never put weight on so fast, hyung.” His voice was trembling and he felt almost breathless.  
“It's your body's way of compensating, Taemin-ah. It's been a long time without any food, so it takes all it can get from everything you eat. That's proof that you were unhealthy. You look good these days.”  
The maknae had finished recording now, as had the other members. They'd heard the finished song and the music video was set to start recording in just a few days.  
As a reward, their manager gave them a the next two days off. To spend with their families, because once promotion started they'd not be able to go home.  
The thought of his family filled Taemin with a wrenching sense of dread. His family was very catholic, and held strict rules. They didn't approve of his being an idol. They'd hoped he'd grow up, settle down with a respectable catholic wife and work an ordinary job.  
His father nearly flipped the table when Taemin told them he'd been accepted as an SM trainee.  
But it would look odd if he said he didn't want to go home, he'd told them good things about his family when they'd asked.  
So he went, and it was with his heart in his shoes that he called his father to say he'd be coming home for a few days.

“It's lovely to see you Taemin.” His mother told him curtly when he sat at the dining table.  
He'd only been home for ten minutes when they'd sat down to dinner. They had dinner at seven thirty every night. The regime had been the same ever since Taemin could remember.  
He only nodded.  
“You've been eating well, I see.” She added, staring at him down her nose.  
His mother was a very thin boned petite woman, impossibly short, but her seat was a few inches higher than everyone elses to make up for the height difference when they sat at the table. And even so, she tilted her head slightly when she talked to make sure she really did see them down her nose.  
Her words still hurt him.  
“The other members feed me well, they thought I was underweight and needed to put on a few kilograms.”  
“What is your weight?”  
His father was silent through the whole conversation, he still hadn't said a word. Taemin guessed he was still mad at him for leaving home in such an 'undignified manner'. His hyung, Taesun, was also silent.  
“I'm forty nine kilograms.”  
His mothers eyes widened.  
“Underweight you say?” He could hear the mocking in her voice, he knew she was incredibly proud that she'd not put on weight since she was married. She weighed exactly forty three kilograms. Personally, Taemin was of the opinion that she'd look much nicer with an extra five or six kilos, but he didn't dare say anything.  
He didn't get a chance to answer before the butler brought out two platters, which each held about five dishes. He placed each dish down, bowed and quickly left.  
His father's deep rumbling voice filled the room.  
“Bless us, O Lord, and these your gifts, which we are about to receive from your bounty. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

“Tell me about the members of SHINee, Taemin.” His brother interrupted the dead silent of the room.  
Taemin smiled.  
“They're amazing. There's four of them, Onew, Key, Minho and Jonghyun. They're all really good looking and talented.. Oh, just a second, I have photos.” He slipped a hand into his pocket.  
“Taemin! That sort of thing at the table!” His mother exploded.  
“It's just for a photo, it'll only take a second.” Taesun assured her.  
“Just this once, honestly, a month you've spent with those boys..”  
“They're all from Christian families.” Taemin informed her, handing the phone with a group photo to Taesun. He left out that Jonghyun was an athiest.  
“Who's who?”  
He pointed out each member to Taesun and told him a little about them. Taesun was a typical older brother. He was intelligent, charismatic, thin and reasonably good looking. He was enrolled in the Korea University studying business and economics, he had a passion for basketball.  
The opposite of Taemin.  
“So what sort of.. income is this job of yours?” His father spoke for the first time.  
“Well, we haven't debuted, technically we're still trainees. Not a lot, enough to get by. Lee Sooman says he has high hopes for us though, then we'll earn a lot.”  
He nodded, his expression still stony faced.  
“Working hard at your dancing?” His mother asked.  
She'd always vaguely approved of him dancing, she didn't like that it was dancing, but she liked that he got the exercise.  
“Every day. Singing, too.”  
“Give us a line!” Taesun encouraged.  
“I don't know, I'm still not very good..”  
“You're debuting in a few weeks, what good are you going to be singing in front of a crowd if you can't sing in front of your own family?” His mother sharply told him.  
Every time she spoke it felt like she was insulting him, as if he didn't do enough of that himself.  
“Okay..” He sung the first verse, keeping in mind his breathing and all the techniques Onew had taught him. Jonghyun had given him a few pointers here and there, which Taemin was grateful for.  
“You don't have enough confidence, Tae, that was fine. The lessons pay off.” His brother smiled at him.  
His parents didn't say anything, and the rest of the meal was silent.  
It was the first night in weeks he hadn't had Onew there to tell him it was okay to eat.  
So he didn't.

When he woke up in the morning, his stomach was growling. He found it easy to ignore, he found hunger was easy enough to get used to. It even gave him a feeling of satisfaction, though he knew he shouldn't feel that way.  
His family rose at eight am, and out of habit, he made sure to be up at seven thirty, just so he wouldn't be late.  
He took a book that Jonghyun had recommended to him and sat out in the loungeroom, sinking into the soft cushions of the suede couch. He'd never have picked the other for a reader, but he seemed to have good taste.  
As he was reading, his mind wandered and he eventually fond himself thanking God that he was only here for another few hours.  
He knew how wrong it was to have this sort of dislike- he didn't want to call it hate- for his family. They'd brought him into the world, fed, clothed and educated him. And even after he'd done the opposite of what they'd wanted, they still allowed him to come home.  
But he couldn't help but feel that they were unfair on him. He missed the support of his new family. He hadn't realized how attached to the other four men he'd gotten and now he wanted to have the familiar routine of the last month back.  
He hated to say it, but he never wanted to see his family again.

On his way out the door, he hugged his mother.  
Through the thin cloth of her pullover, he could feel her ribs and her spine. It struck him again how tiny she was.  
“Watch your health and weight, Taemin. Now that you've debuted, don't go getting lazy.”  
He knew telling her that he was weight-watching enough that his group thought he was anorexic wouldn't make a difference, so he just nodded and plastered on a smile, knowing that this was the last time he'd have to see her for a while.  
Taesun had left earlier on in the morning, so Taemin returned his father's stiff hug.  
His father was much bigger than Taemin. But it wasn't fat, it was muscle. Both of the Lee children had inherited their mothers paper thin physique. His father was a full ten centimeters taller than him still and his limbs must've been twice as thick.  
He bowed a little before leaving.  
When he'd gone, he breathed a sigh of relief.  
It was over.


End file.
